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The mistakes I have made

Hey girls, I was just checking in to let you all know that even though I have been absent in the past few months that I have love for you and I think about you often.

I look at the things I have done and written during my dark times of relapse, I bare the emotional guilt for leading people in and making them think ANA was ok.

I am paying a price for my actions, and I know now that years and years of hurting my body has come back to fuck me in the face. As some of you might know I am an architecture student, since early June I have been loosing sensation in my thumb but I ignored it and with other people's advice "waited it out". I waited.. and waited, I waited until I couldn't draft anymore and the pain was unbearable.

I went to the neurologist, he seemed so skeptic at first like maybe I was making this up. I had MRIs and blood work and everything was normal. So this morning I had to go in for this terrible terrible test called an EMG. I was so sure that it was just carpel tunnel syndrome left untreated (cts is easily treated) but it turns out that the nerves in hand are just unresponsive. Cause: years of malnutrition and just fucking with my body. I tried my best to prevent things like this, I took vitamins (p.s taking calcium alone will not absorb into the body unless aided by magnesium) but clearly I had no idea what I was doing.
Maybe after months of taking good care of myself, my body could treat itself, but if not my life will be pointless, I will not be able to be an architect without my hands. My work is my life, but my ed tarnished my dream and anorexia became my life. I don't want sympathy, I just want anyone who is reading this to know that sometimes it is too late, but you can be strong enough to fight back for the dreams that truly define you.

wow

Sooo.. I came home in mid june everything was ok but then I had to go home and see my father, and my sisters left me at his house even though i begged them to take me with them. So anyway I ended up blacking out and slitting my wrists, which i have never done. Now i have these horrible scars, it's so fucking embarrassing i always have to wear this huge bracelet. Then when I arrived back in Chicago that night (thank g-d i was gone) these gangsters broke into my house through the window, my house was ransacked, his blood was all over my things even like my underwear drawer. When the cops came they said the men were waiting there. Then everyone forced me to move to a new place but of course nobody really fucking helped me with the move. This all happens 1 week before my final year at college starts. I missed class yesterday because I have the worst anxiety, even if i here laughter outside i start to cry. I get so scared. Now I feel I have no control over my life once again. I am afraid I am slipping, but I dont even want to. Not again.

Back

I've received a lot of messages from you girlies being concerned because i disappeared. Well as you all know I was going insane by the end of my semester so I went to Florida and California and tried to recover. I'm doing ok. I thought i was fine, but the second I got back to chicago I stopped eating again. Maybe it's because I live alone, I don't know. I ate some carrots and hummus 4 days ago but for some reason I just can't control my urge to not eat. But whatever I'm home girls and I'm here for you.

Bound to loose

Tragedy Bound
She is a mess
Her daddy was a demon watching her dress
He shriveled her down, wore her like a crown
Is there anybody in there?
All her life, she's bound to lose

Tragedy Bound
I feel sick
Her daddy was killed, her feelings were mixed
He wore a hole in her skin, now all the boys look in
Is there anybody in there?

Tragedy Bound
Now she's stuck
She can't even care enough to fuck
She's cutting herself just to see if it works
Is there anybody in there?

old

now i wonder if they'll laugh when im dead
why am i fighting to live, if im just living to fight
why am I trying to see when there is nothing in sight
why am i trying to give when no one gives me a try
why am i dying to live, if im just living to die




UPDATE :(

Yesterday my friend came over with Mexican and said "i promised your mom i would make you eat, if you dont shes going to get on a plane and be here tomorrow". So i had to eat enchiladas and an oatmeal cookie probably totaling in 600 cals. I AM SO UPSET, ive been having an anxiety attack all day about it.

ABC DAY 5

due to all the drama today and the HUGE CRITIQUE that i have due tomorrow, i had no inclination to eat anything indulgent.

3 beets- 66 cal
coffee coffee coffee tea tea apple cider vinegar. - 0 cal

Total 66 cal




Damn LJ CUT

progress.. nce.PLEASE KEEP THESE PHOTOS BETWEEN US.


collar bone!! bony shoulder my fav.


AND FOR MY TUMMY.. which could use alot of work...
love you , good luck. And thanks everyone for all the feedback i got yesterday and th e day before that.

ABC DAY 4

ok now im really really mad. I GAINED ANOTHER POUND! What the fuck, i cut my sodium intake in half, drank tons of green tea... and gained a pound. im going to fast tuesday  i can't handle this.

egg white omelette with veggies- 72
slilce of chicken with curry- 163
wheatabix, cottage cheese, strawberries- 165
coffee coffee coffee tea tea tea tea tea tea apple cider vinegar

total 400


shoot me


ABC DAY 3

im really tired and pissed off because i gained a pound. I stayed in the 300 cal i dont feel like listing what i ate. But here are some photos, im ashamed of them so hopefully that in itself will push me to work harder. UGHHH... heres my thinspo for the day i used dry erase marker so my landlord wont kill me..OH YEAH NO SUCKING IN, I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT

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pychicago
pychicago

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